we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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