how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize