yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
