Sponge bath it is.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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