we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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