You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
