mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
