If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
