All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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