we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
