i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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