Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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