you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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