no, he came in my armpit
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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