the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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