Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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