I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
