I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
