We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
