Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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