There was a lot of him and a little penis
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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