your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
