I can text with my tongue
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
