Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
