You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
