I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
