Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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