i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
