no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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