just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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