You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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