Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
