I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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