I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
