I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
