I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
