I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
