trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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