My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
