so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
