I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
