Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
