Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
