I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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