He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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