It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
