when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I believe in your delicious
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
