My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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