I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Shame - the story of my life.
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