I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
The air taste purple.
Randomize
