Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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