This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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