In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
